Why Am I So F*ing Tired?
This is a blog post I wrote last week (April 20th, 2020) but I didn't post. After taking some time off over the weekend, I don't feel nearly as tired. Reflecting on what I wrote in that moment of exhaustion, I am choosing to share it with you even though I no longer feel the same this week. Many of you might relate to what I've written and I want you to know that rest, time away from social media, and a break from working from home helps a lot!
When the pandemic was announced back in March, I thought we would be ok. I already work from home, running several online businesses. My 9 year-old daughter is home as well, and we choose to unschool. My husband's work is easily done from home too. And he had already started his side gig of streaming on Twitch TV before the pandemic. We were set. After I got over the initial shock of the first two weeks, I got into a rhythm and found myself really, really busy. Busier than I have been in years. Both of my businesses growing and my husband's side gig growing too. It all felt really amazing. Until it didn't. Because right now, I'm so fukcing tired.
I'm tired of explaining to my daughter that we still have to stay in and practice physical distancing.
I'm tired of waking up in the morning and still feeling tired.
I'm tired of my husband working more than 60 hours a week with his job and side gig.
I'm tired of feeling all the feelings most of the time.
I'm tired of endless Zoom meetings.
I'm tired of spending less time with my daughter.
I'm tired of needing to take naps in my tent in order to escape for a few minutes.
I'm tired of feeling completely depleted.
I'm tired of feeling guilty that I am complaining when others have things so much more difficult.
I'm tired that my daughter can't have a play date.
I'm tired of showing up online with positivity all the time because that's what we all need.
I'm tired of eating too much sugar.
I'm tired of not seeing my sister and her family.
I'm tired of holding my daughter as she has another breakdown.
I'm tired of my husband feeling so tired too.
I'm tired of thinking about what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner every night.
I'm tired of feeling bad because I have the luxury of a fridge and pantry full of food.
I'm tired of watching the news even though I know it's not healthy.
I'm tired of not driving and not listening to podcasts.
I'm tired of not watching my daughter do gymnastics at her gym club.
I'm tired of the endless dishes and laundry.
I'm tired of watching those I love struggle.
I'm tired of my neck being sore from looking at my phone too much.
I'm tired of not seeing my esthetician, massage therapist and anyone else who provides a hands-on service.
I'm tired of not going for hikes with my family.
I'm tired of not knowing when this will end.
I'm tired of letting go of the normal life we had.
I'm tired of not being my authentic self all the time.
I'm tired of feeling defeated.
I'm tired of grocery shopping once every two weeks with a mask on.
I'm tired of getting to the end of the day and feeling like nothing got done.
I'm tired of not seeing my local friends.
I'm tired of all my cancelled trips and plans.
I'm tired of not knowing what media to trust.
I'm tired of scrolling endlessly without purpose.
I AM JUST SO TIRED OF COVID-19.
And yet, through it all, I'm never too tired to find gratitude. This is my anchor. This is what will get me through this. This is what we all need more of right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago called A Tsunami of Gratitude. And I keep sharing it. It reminds me of all we have to be grateful for that was there all along.
Every day, I choose to speak my mantra - even when I am tired: Thank you for this gift of another day and the opportunity to be of service to others, and to make a difference in our world. I invite you to adopt it or create your own morning gratitude mantra, to remind you that the only way forward is through daily gratitude.